It isn’t always easy following God. But it especially isn’t easy when you don’t understand why the things that are happening keep happening.
For most of my time here in Bolivia I wondered and prayed and asked God over and over again, “Why am I here?? Why is this happening? Why am I so alone here? Why don’t I have friends? Why is it so hard to feel connected to people here? Why… why… why..?” And do you know what? For most of that time, He was silent. He didn’t answer my “why”. Sometimes when we are going through things, God isn’t going to tell us why it is happening, but He still wants you to seek Him, to trust Him, and to keep following Him, even when things get tough. For nearly two years, I fought and struggled with trusting that God’s plan was good. I struggled with feeling that He wasn’t even with me. I felt like He had abandoned me. For the first time in my entire life, I felt like I couldn’t feel Him or hear Him. Which made my time of feeling lonely even more lonely. How could my God, my savior, leave me in the time where I needed Him the most?
The Bible says in Deuteronomy 31:6
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I knew deep down in my heart this was true. I’ve been in church my entire life, I accepted Jesus as my savior when I was five, I’ve gone on many missions trips, I’ve served in every area of ministry. I’ve seen God heal people. I’ve seen God provide. I’ve seen God move when it seemed impossible. So I knew He was real. I knew deep down in my heart that He was there. But it still frustrated me so badly that He wasn’t speaking. For my entire life I always knew what He wanted me to do. I always felt Him. So to trust Him in such a hard time in my life when He wasn’t even speaking to me was hard. I was mad at Him, if I’m being honest. How am I supposed to be strong and courageous with all that is happening around me? How am I not supposed to be afraid?? I’m in a foreign country. I have no friends. I have no community. It’s just me and my husband. It feels like everyone else has abandoned us and now it feels like you aren’t even here either.
Maybe you feel like this right now. You’re all alone in your house. You can’t leave. You can’t be with your friends, you can’t go to work, you can’t go to school. Maybe for some, you’re missing out on important things you had planned. Graduations, proms, your wedding…. How could God allow something so bad to happen? How could He allow something you worked so hard on to be taken away? How can you trust Him when you don’t know how you will provide for your family? How can you trust Him with so many unknowns? Maybe you’re thinking, “How am I not supposed to be afraid? There’s a deadly virus spreading world wide.” But the truth remains that the Lord IS with you, wherever you go. Even when you don’t see Him. Even when you don’t feel Him. He is there.
Trusting is hard. Trusting when you have no idea what the future looks like is harder. But God is good. Looking back now, I can see where God was shaping me and molding me. I also learned that He was probably quiet in that time, because I was being tested. A teacher never speaks during an exam. And it was my own fought that He was quiet for so long. I kept failing the test. And He kept allowing me to retake it. As much as I was praying and begging Him to speak to me, He couldn’t. Because at the same time I was praying and asking Him to speak to me and to open doors and to show me why I was here, I was also complaining. I was angry about being here. I hated it here, and I said that often. I complained about the people. I complained about the culture. I was trying on my own to make other plans and to leave this country. We searched and searched and went to the embassy and tried to make a way to get Josue’s visa to the USA. I said day after day “I just want to go home. I don’t like it here.” As I mentioned in a previous post, this went on until the political unrest broke out. That was it! I could not do it any more. I was done. It was then and only then could God truly speak to me, to really open my eyes to the things around me and I was able to trust, even without fully understanding what was going on. Because I knew He was with me. He began speaking to me and teaching me how to trust. Through finally letting go of the control and allowing Him to lead me day by day, I can now live in peace. I have no idea what our future holds. But I’m okay with that. I have no idea how long we will live here in Bolivia, but I’m okay with that. God has worked tremendously in my heart over the last 6 months, because I gave up control.
Maybe that’s where you are right now….
You have no idea how long this will last. None of us do. But are you going to allow this time to pass and be grumpy about it and worry yourself sick day after day about what will happen? Or are you going to turn in the towel and trust God in the uncertainty? Are you going to use this time of isolation to allow God to work in your life? To show you the things that you need to work on. To show you the areas where you need to grow. The choice is yours. But I urge you to not choose the path of worry and anxiety. Let God take control and do what only He can do. You do what you can do and let God do what only He can do.
My challenge to you today (and every day) :
Spend time with God. Don’t let this time at home be idle time. Find a pastor that you love and watch sermons and teachings on trust. Take notes. Journal how you feel. Journal your prayers. What helped me the most and still helps me is listening to sermons by Joyce Meyer. I listen to them every single day. I started with the sermon “Trusting God when you don’t understand.” And went from there. She has sermons on basically anything you’re feeling and gives practical ways to deal with it. So for me personally, she’s my go to. But if she isn’t your cup of tea, I urge you to find someone else. Steven Furtick is also good. There are many many options out there. Get on youtube and search.
Keep pressing into God. Even if you feel like He isn’t there. Keep pressing in and trusting Him! Also be content where you are, don’t try to do and control things that are beyond your control. Breathe, and take it one day at a time, trusting that God is good and His ways are perfect.
kaylawolff 